Thank you for walking away.  I know that sounds crazy but I am so glad you did.  I’m still not sure what made you do it and I have spent much of the past few years working through it and the mess it left.  But I do know that since you did, I am a different person.   I started focusing on me, investing in me, making time for me.  I’ve become fearless in my pursuit at becoming the best me.  I’ve lost 109 pounds, gained incredible strength through kick-ass workouts, started a blog to share my story, repaired a strained relationship with our daughter and we are closer than ever, found a job I really enjoy with great people, ran a 5K with plans to run more.  Basically I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  So, if you had never walked away, none of these amazing things would have happened and I wouldn’t be here.  So thank you.  You walking away allowed me to become who I was always meant to be but just didn’t know it.  Thank you for showing me what I was missing and that my life needs to be about me.  Thank you for showing me what I do not want in my next relationship and that I am worthy of so much more.  Thank you for helping me go into the next chapter of my life as my best self.

I can say it now.  I was obese.  Morbidly obese actually.  When a doctor says that to you, you can’t help but feel so ashamed.  I have been overweight my whole life.  Some years more overweight, some years less. The last few years it had been more…a lot more.  My self-esteem was plummeting  from constant tension and arguments with my teenage daughter…who knew your once sweet little girl would grow up to say such mean and vile things to the one who gave her life!  Trying to work thru those challenges while also struggling with cracks in my marriage sent me spiraling.  And like always when I was sad, stressed, angry, hurt….I turned to food for comfort.  We all have our thing we turn to and mine was food.  So with my daughter going through those not-so-fun middle school years and my marriage ending, I was turning to food more than ever.  The weight was piling on, I was depressed, had zero self worth…basically I was a hot mess.  I had truly hit rock bottom and stayed there for quite a while.  Then one night in March 2017 I had an ah-ha moment.  I was so sick of being depressed, tired all the time, feeling horrible and having no energy.  I realized I was in the perfect place to start over.  I could hit the reset button on my life.  I could begin a new chapter.  I began to think about all the possibilities and opportunities a fresh start could bring and for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful.  But how exactly was I going to go about this new beginning?  I knew first and foremost I had to get my weight under control once and for all.  Specifically I had to overcome the need to eat every emotion I feel.  If I didn’t figure out why I do that, I would never get anywhere. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food.  So I spoke the words out loud that I think I had known for years but never admitted…I am a food addict, more specifically, a sugar addict.  Recognizing that and admitting that was a huge first step.  Realizing that I turn to food for comfort means that I use food.  Admitting that was another huge step.  Looking at it from an addiction stand point really put things into perspective for me.   It helped me understand that I would have to change a lot of my behavior, be aware of triggers and patterns that lead to emotional eating, and also that it’s a lifelong issue.  It would always be there but I’d have to gain control and learn ways to not just cope, but live life with food everywhere.   No easy task when you’re feeling broken.  On March 6, 2017, I woke up determined to give it everything I had.  I cut all the excess sugar and junk out of my diet, gave up soda and gave up sweets and desserts.  I replaced all that with salads, vegetables, good protein and lots of water.  And I started moving.  No easy task when you are morbidly obese.  I always enjoyed walking so I started out doing that a few times a week.  I also began water aerobics.  That was one of the best things I did to keep me moving.  It’s a great full body workout with low impact on joints.  I was exhausted after each class but felt fantastic.  Even though I was doing all these positive things and making positive changes, I still wanted to turn to food after a stressful day or an argument with my daughter.  Losing weight is as much mental as it is physical.    Most days I did really well.  Some days were more challenging than others.  But no matter what, every day I would wake up and recommit to keep moving, keep eating right and to feel my emotions, not eat them.  Three months into my journey, I could see and feel big changes and that started fueling me mentally.  Yes, there were times I wanted to turn to food, that’s the addiction.  But they were coming less frequently and I was feeling stronger and able to fight them off.  I also felt ready to take on something more physically challenging.  I had heard of bootcamp style workouts and was feeling terrified but brave enough to try it at least once.  My but was kicked big time that first night and I felt out of place and in way over my head. Everything was a struggle.  I was the only one over weight.  I was the only one who couldn’t run.  I was the only one who could barely do a few crunches or squats.  But I was also welcomed, encouraged and supported by the trainer, Wendy, and the fantastic bunch of girls in the evening class.  So despite the but kicking and all the feelings of inadequacy, I went back and kept going back, week after week.  As the months passed the classes weren’t getting easier, but I was definitely getting stronger.  I was doing so many things I could not physically do before.  One thing was boxing.  I had never boxed before and I loved it!  Another was running.  I’ve talked of my feelings about running when I was younger and I definitely wasn’t running when I was obese.  There is quite a bit of cardio and running at bootcamp.  I was not thrilled with this at all.  As I would watch the other girls run so effortlessly to the “mailbox” (our landmark to run to and back), I felt discouraged but determined at the same time.  As much as I wanted to be able to do that, I just couldn’t see how it would be possible.  All I could think was…I’m in my mid 40s, overweight and in the worse physical shape of my life, I will never be able to run like that, ever!  But I also thought about that reset button I pushed a few months back.  The one that was giving me a fresh start. And that helped ignite the determination.  The determination to run.  I erased away the past experiences with running and looked at it with a fresh set of eyes and new attitude. Like everything, I started out slow but each week could run a little farther.  By December I had lost over 100 pounds and was really feeling determined.  So I set a goal to run a 5k in 2018 and began to train in January.  It started with lots of walking and little running.  I trained 3x a week and each week increased the running.  Wendy would join me sometimes and when she did, the training included wearing weight vests while running up steep hills. Fun times!   Even though I was running farther each week, I was still overwhelmed by the thought of running 3.1 miles without stopping.  I just couldn’t wrap my brain around that, in a few short weeks, I would need to run that distance when I still could only run for a few minutes at a time without needing to stop.  I was also overwhelmed when I would think about where I was coming from and where I had been…months earlier I was morbidly obese, incapable of almost any physical activity, and pretty much just existing, not living.  Now I was over 100 pounds lighter, running voluntarily and had committed to a race.  Many times I had to stop and catch my breath at the thought of all of that.  Week after week of training in the worst winter weather, I ran more and walked less and was eventually able to run one, then two then three miles without stopping.  The first time I did three miles I was shocked and on cloud nine.  Maybe, just maybe I could do this.  Now it’s race day and the weather was perfect and I had the most supportive group of ladies from bootcamp around me.  These ladies had so much faith in me as I trained when I didn’t have faith in myself.  I also had my daughter there which meant the world to me.  Pre-race, I had so many emotions running through me.  I got the first mile down and then the 2^nd.  I started fading halfway through the 3^rd mile.  Wendy ran by my side the entire time and under no circumstances was going to let me give up, stop or fail.  That last ½ mile was brutal and my legs felt like solid lead pipes.  I kept looking for the finish line.  I thought if it was at least in sight, I would feel like, okay, I got this, I can do this despite my legs feeling like they couldn’t go another step.  We turned a bend and I could see the finish line in the distance and it was then that it really started to hit me what I was about to accomplish.  That last ½ mile I needed every bit of encouragement and support Wendy was giving me.  We crossed the finish line together, arms raised and hand in hand.  Official time 36:32.

Running doesn’t come easy and although I’ve embraced it and am learning to love it and what it’s doing for me, I think it will always be a struggle.  But it has taught me more about determination and overcoming self-doubt than anything I’ve done or experienced.   As for my weight loss, I continue on that journey as well and it to will always be a struggle but I’m learning just how mentally strong I really am.  A year ago when I thought about all the possibilities and opportunities that could come from a reset on life, I never would have imagined where I am this moment.  I owe it all to determination…it’s been my theme this year and it’s really what got me to right here, right now.  Never underestimate the force of a determined woman!

~Regina