And just like that, junior year of high school is over.  My baby is officially a senior.  Didn’t I just nervously watch her take her first steps?  Just teach her how to ride a bike??  Just send her off on her first bus ride to Kindergarten??  Didn’t all that just happen??  I swear it did.  Those precious moments and so many more will forever be in my mind and heart but have had to move over to make room for new milestones like taking SAT and ACT tests, college visits and application essays.  Junior year of high school is everything you hear it is….busy, stressful and overwhelming.  Now that it’s over, I realize that I’m getting ever so closer to the moment I will say goodbye and send her onto the next step, the first step of adulthood. 

We got a small glimpse of that life when we visited colleges in the spring.  Our travels took us all over New England touring schools, some as serious choices and some just for fun.  It’s safe to say our heads were spinning after taking in the campuses, listening to admission counselors, reviewing admission requirements and just generally absorbing all of it.  Everything has been building to this.  The last several years have been spent taking honors and AP courses, studying to keep those grades up, getting involved, taking leadership roles, volunteering, working a part time job, taking SATs and ACTs and writing application essays.  Basically working hard and doing everything colleges are looking for.  But honestly, I hate to see that she is going to be judged having never even been met by that admissions counselor but by what’s on that application, by those numbers:  GPA, SAT, ACT, and by 500 words on the screen about a life experience that changed her.  High Schoolers put everything into being the “well rounded” student colleges want and I worry it takes away from them just being able to be kids, a teenager enjoying the teenage years like my friends and I did.  So much pressure to be and do all these things, it’s no wonder this generation has skyrocketing anxiety and depressions rates.    This was not what high school looked like in my day.  And once those applications are in, it turns to new worries of… will I get into my top choice, or any school at all. 

Many kids who are college bound have been hearing from a very young age about college, more specifically the right college.  And many parents have made it seem getting into the right college is the purpose of childhood and by achieving that, they have pleased us.  So when they are at the end of junior year/starting senior year, they are stressed because they have been made to feel everything rides on this.  I have tried really hard NOT to be this parent because I know my daughter, and this is extra pressure she does not need.  She puts enough pressure on herself.  I need her to know she is more than her grades and scores and that I love her unconditionally.   Honestly, what I really want for her, what in my eyes will make her successful, is to just be a good human being.  Bottom line about college, if that’s your child’s route…everyone gets in somewhere.  It may be their first choice, it may be their third or fourth choice, but they’ll get in.  So with that in mind, I’m making a conscience effort to have more conversations with her that have nothing to do with college and academics.  Because she’s more than all that and I won’t get this time back.  She went from toddler to teenager in what seems like .247856 seconds, and in a year I’m going to nervously watch her take her first steps onto a yet to be decided college campus.  Whether I’m ready for it or not, it’s coming so I’m just taking lots of deep breaths and trusting it’s going to all work out as it should.

~Regina

Here we are at New Years Eve…I can’t believe 2018 has come and gone. Like everyone else, I take time on New Years Eve to reflect on the all that’s happened and what I’m most looking forward to and hope to accomplish in the coming year. What I think I’m most happy about this NYE is that I didn’t need to make yet another resolution at the beginning of 2018 to lose weight. That was my one and only New Years resolution for so many years. My goals this year had nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with living my best life, trying new things and conquering fears. One of my biggest accomplishments was running my first 5k. The feeling when I crossed that finish line was like nothing I felt before. The physical feelings were about what this once morbidly obese body just accomplished. The mental feelings, which is the harder part as I’ve said, was finally putting to rest negative thoughts like fat girls can’t run, I’ve never been a runner and what are you thinking trying to do this. After I worked through all the physical and mental stuff I was left with a new level of confidence and a craving to do another race. Go figure, a craving that wasn’t food! So I did another race. And that one was extra special because I did it with my sister for Mother’s Day and we crossed the finish line together. Then I did another and another. I just kept going and finish 2018 having done 14 races and 45.6 miles. I never ever thought in January that I would write that in December. All those miles were unplanned and unexpected which makes them sweeter. In between all those runs lots of other exciting stuff happened to make 2018 a year to remember. Isabelle turned 16 and is driving, I completed a high ropes course and also learned to stand up paddle board (two things I’ve been wanting to do forever but never could because my weight) and I got my Real Estate License and am excited about where that will take me. Also in between all those runs, I continued to strengthen my mental and physical health so at the end of the year I could feel even stronger than I did in January. And I do. I’m so looking forward to what is ahead in 2019. More races, more miles, more fun times with family and friends and more one-on-one time with my girl because college is right around the corner. I hope you go for whatever you want in 2019. It’s so worth it. Set a goal, make a plan, put in the work and it will happen. Chances are more than you ever expected will happen. Much love and light to all in 2019!

~Regina

It’s amazing.  I recently turned 47 and I feel like life is now beginning for me.  For the last year and a half I’ve been going thru a sort of re-birth.  I know that everyone can see the transformation on the outside but there has been one amazing transformation on the inside and I’m not sure if I’m more proud of one over the other.  What you see when you see me in person or in my pictures is all my hard work at boot camp, running, eating right, and I see that to.  But what you might not be able to see is all the work I have done on the inside.  The last few years, as painful as they were, resulted in a rebuilding of myself from the inside out. 

I’ve shared about being in a state of hopelessness and depression a few years ago.  I’ve also shared about having a lifelong food/sugar addiction.  These two combined created the perfect storm in my life for about 5 years.  They fed each other and I would go round and round like a nauseating carnival ride….feeling depressed, I would eat which made me more depressed so I would eat more and so on and so on.  The next thing I know I’m almost 300 pounds and depressed and hopeless doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling.  I had never been that big or let things get that out of control.  But I was also in a place in my life that I had never been before…going through a divorce and raising a very angsty teenager on my own.  All I wanted to do was eat to deal with all of this which of course would just make me feel worse.  It’s a cycle that anyone with a food addiction can understand.  And, I had been successful with losing weight before but never successful at keeping it off.  So any thoughts I had of trying to lose weight again were fleeting because I would think….what’s the point, I’ll just gain it back again.  Sooo, lets just eat some more to deal with those hopeless feelings.  Vicious.Vicious.Cycle. 

If I was EVER going get off this ride, I had to deal with all the mental stuff.  I wasn’t interested in seeing a therapist or doctor.  Been there done that.  I didn’t want talk about it anymore. I was sick of talking about it.  I’m not a doctor but I knew what I had to overcome so they weren’t going to tell me anything I didn’t already know.  I knew I was at the point of “shit or get off the pot” (sorry Mom!!)  And it’s when you to come to points like this in your life that you see what you’re made of.     I would never have long term success with losing weight and keeping it off if all I did was eat right and work out.  If I was going to have any chance that this would be the time I finally got it right, I had to get my head in the game…literally.  So while I changed my diet and started moving, my main focus was getting my mind in a healthy place.   Doing that looks different for everyone.  For me, it was giving myself a clean slate and a daily mantra that forward was the only direction I wanted to move.  It was admitting the addiction and recognizing that a binge eating disorder was also part of my genetic makeup and these things would always be there but I could learn what triggers them and how to control them.  It was convincing myself I had purpose and so much to live for and that I wanted to live, not just exist as I had been doing for so long.  It was purging all negativity, shame and chaos in my head that caused constant cloud cover so the sun could shine in there.  It was releasing the control food had on me, control it held over me for so long I didn’t really know how to live without it.  And it was forgiveness for past failures and understanding that they were stepping stones on the path that got me to this very place.  And it’s many more things and because I have 47 years of life in my mind, I’m not going to be able to get all that fixed and cleared out overnight so it’s every day I have to work on my mind to clean out all the crap that could keep me from getting what I want or where I want to be.  If you don’t, you’re going to get in your own way and block any chance of getting what you’re working towards.  You have to get out of your own way. 

So you can understand why I feel like I’ve gone through a bigger transformation on the inside and continue to put in the mental work each day.  It’s recommitting to it every 24 hours and having internal conversations that run down a list (I love my lists!) of reminders that weightloss – or anything you are trying to give up or overcome – is hard work but the hard work is worth it.  It’s reminding myself that no food tastes as good as I feel.  What you see in my pictures is a reflection of the power and strength that comes from working on your mind every day.  Another year older, yes, but also stronger, fitter, wiser and most of all, happier.  This happiness I worked very hard for and continue to work hard for every day.  This new life is worth the hard work. 

~Regina

The summer is in full swing with celebrations, barbeques, walks at the lake and lots of beach and pool time.   All the gatherings and activities with friends and family that summer brings is one of the reasons I love this season so much.  Lately I’ve been finding myself stepping back for a moment when I’m with loved ones and reflecting on just how grateful I am for each and every one of them because it’s these people, my tribe, who have helped me get through the last few years when life threw me some serious curve balls.

I think it’s true that as we get older our circle gets smaller.  We realize how important it is to surround ourselves with only people who support us, nurture us, lift us up and make us happy.  For several years I consciously disconnected from a lot of people because I was struggling. Struggling with my weight being out of control, my daughter’s emotional rollercoaster through middle school and the end of my marriage.  I disconnected because I was embarrassed.  I didn’t have it all together, the life I had hoped for was falling apart, my daughter hated me, I hated myself and I was exhausted at trying to keep up the perception that everything was okay, that I was happy, and none of this was going on.   When the dust settled and I began to regain control of my life, still there was my tribe.  Some knew everything that had been going on the last few years, others I shared the details as I re-emerged from the storm.   Either way I would not be where I am today if it were not for these people.

One person in particular who has been there with me through it all is my mom.  The gratitude I have for her cannot be described in words.  I am beyond blessed to have a mother in my life who is loving, caring and the epitome of selfless.  She gives and gives and gives some more.  Not everyone is as fortunate so I know how very lucky I am.   I can call her any time with any problem and she is there for me.  And let me tell you there have been MANY tearful phone calls, texts and visits, the last few years especially.  She’s a seamstress, dry-cleaner, chef, taxi, counselor, painter, mover, decorator…I could go on and on.  I owe her more than I could possibly ever give her.  Thank you mom.

So many others I owe a debt of gratitude to.  Most nights, very late, my sister and I text and talk about parenting challenges, juggling life’s responsibilities, and more.  She was a shoulder for me to lean on during a time when I desperately needed one and also saw me through many tearful episodes.  I’m so thankful that we have each other as sisters and friends.  My friends, some lifelong, some more recent but equally as important, know me and know just what to do at the right time…whether it’s  listening or giving advice, dinner and adult conversation, a laugh, motivating me at bootcamp or a race, or getting me out for a girls night.  My work family, who is truly like an extended family, all mean so much to me.  A higher power was definitely involved in putting that opportunity in front of me at a time when I couldn’t have used it more.  They have my back not only at work but in my personal life as well and you can’t find that everywhere.  I’m so appreciative for them every day.

Each person has, in their own way, helped me these last few years.  Some may not even have realized it.  Some may think what they did was inconsequential.   For those I shut out for a while, I’m sorry.  It was deliberately done but not to hurt anyone, but as a survival technique.  I realize now that although I chose to struggle in silence and isolation, I didn’t need to do that.  My tribe was there for me before, would have been there for me during and is certainly there for me after any of life’s storms.  I am so grateful for all of you.  I am happier and healthier than I have ever been.  And know that by helping me you’ve also helped Isabelle.  Being my best self means I can be the mother and role model she needs and deserves. So thank you.

~Regina

Thank you for walking away.  I know that sounds crazy but I am so glad you did.  I’m still not sure what made you do it and I have spent much of the past few years working through it and the mess it left.  But I do know that since you did, I am a different person.   I started focusing on me, investing in me, making time for me.  I’ve become fearless in my pursuit at becoming the best me.  I’ve lost 109 pounds, gained incredible strength through kick-ass workouts, started a blog to share my story, repaired a strained relationship with our daughter and we are closer than ever, found a job I really enjoy with great people, ran a 5K with plans to run more.  Basically I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  So, if you had never walked away, none of these amazing things would have happened and I wouldn’t be here.  So thank you.  You walking away allowed me to become who I was always meant to be but just didn’t know it.  Thank you for showing me what I was missing and that my life needs to be about me.  Thank you for showing me what I do not want in my next relationship and that I am worthy of so much more.  Thank you for helping me go into the next chapter of my life as my best self.

I can say it now.  I was obese.  Morbidly obese actually.  When a doctor says that to you, you can’t help but feel so ashamed.  I have been overweight my whole life.  Some years more overweight, some years less. The last few years it had been more…a lot more.  My self-esteem was plummeting  from constant tension and arguments with my teenage daughter…who knew your once sweet little girl would grow up to say such mean and vile things to the one who gave her life!  Trying to work thru those challenges while also struggling with cracks in my marriage sent me spiraling.  And like always when I was sad, stressed, angry, hurt….I turned to food for comfort.  We all have our thing we turn to and mine was food.  So with my daughter going through those not-so-fun middle school years and my marriage ending, I was turning to food more than ever.  The weight was piling on, I was depressed, had zero self worth…basically I was a hot mess.  I had truly hit rock bottom and stayed there for quite a while.  Then one night in March 2017 I had an ah-ha moment.  I was so sick of being depressed, tired all the time, feeling horrible and having no energy.  I realized I was in the perfect place to start over.  I could hit the reset button on my life.  I could begin a new chapter.  I began to think about all the possibilities and opportunities a fresh start could bring and for the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful.  But how exactly was I going to go about this new beginning?  I knew first and foremost I had to get my weight under control once and for all.  Specifically I had to overcome the need to eat every emotion I feel.  If I didn’t figure out why I do that, I would never get anywhere. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food.  So I spoke the words out loud that I think I had known for years but never admitted…I am a food addict, more specifically, a sugar addict.  Recognizing that and admitting that was a huge first step.  Realizing that I turn to food for comfort means that I use food.  Admitting that was another huge step.  Looking at it from an addiction stand point really put things into perspective for me.   It helped me understand that I would have to change a lot of my behavior, be aware of triggers and patterns that lead to emotional eating, and also that it’s a lifelong issue.  It would always be there but I’d have to gain control and learn ways to not just cope, but live life with food everywhere.   No easy task when you’re feeling broken.  On March 6, 2017, I woke up determined to give it everything I had.  I cut all the excess sugar and junk out of my diet, gave up soda and gave up sweets and desserts.  I replaced all that with salads, vegetables, good protein and lots of water.  And I started moving.  No easy task when you are morbidly obese.  I always enjoyed walking so I started out doing that a few times a week.  I also began water aerobics.  That was one of the best things I did to keep me moving.  It’s a great full body workout with low impact on joints.  I was exhausted after each class but felt fantastic.  Even though I was doing all these positive things and making positive changes, I still wanted to turn to food after a stressful day or an argument with my daughter.  Losing weight is as much mental as it is physical.    Most days I did really well.  Some days were more challenging than others.  But no matter what, every day I would wake up and recommit to keep moving, keep eating right and to feel my emotions, not eat them.  Three months into my journey, I could see and feel big changes and that started fueling me mentally.  Yes, there were times I wanted to turn to food, that’s the addiction.  But they were coming less frequently and I was feeling stronger and able to fight them off.  I also felt ready to take on something more physically challenging.  I had heard of bootcamp style workouts and was feeling terrified but brave enough to try it at least once.  My but was kicked big time that first night and I felt out of place and in way over my head. Everything was a struggle.  I was the only one over weight.  I was the only one who couldn’t run.  I was the only one who could barely do a few crunches or squats.  But I was also welcomed, encouraged and supported by the trainer, Wendy, and the fantastic bunch of girls in the evening class.  So despite the but kicking and all the feelings of inadequacy, I went back and kept going back, week after week.  As the months passed the classes weren’t getting easier, but I was definitely getting stronger.  I was doing so many things I could not physically do before.  One thing was boxing.  I had never boxed before and I loved it!  Another was running.  I’ve talked of my feelings about running when I was younger and I definitely wasn’t running when I was obese.  There is quite a bit of cardio and running at bootcamp.  I was not thrilled with this at all.  As I would watch the other girls run so effortlessly to the “mailbox” (our landmark to run to and back), I felt discouraged but determined at the same time.  As much as I wanted to be able to do that, I just couldn’t see how it would be possible.  All I could think was…I’m in my mid 40s, overweight and in the worse physical shape of my life, I will never be able to run like that, ever!  But I also thought about that reset button I pushed a few months back.  The one that was giving me a fresh start. And that helped ignite the determination.  The determination to run.  I erased away the past experiences with running and looked at it with a fresh set of eyes and new attitude. Like everything, I started out slow but each week could run a little farther.  By December I had lost over 100 pounds and was really feeling determined.  So I set a goal to run a 5k in 2018 and began to train in January.  It started with lots of walking and little running.  I trained 3x a week and each week increased the running.  Wendy would join me sometimes and when she did, the training included wearing weight vests while running up steep hills. Fun times!   Even though I was running farther each week, I was still overwhelmed by the thought of running 3.1 miles without stopping.  I just couldn’t wrap my brain around that, in a few short weeks, I would need to run that distance when I still could only run for a few minutes at a time without needing to stop.  I was also overwhelmed when I would think about where I was coming from and where I had been…months earlier I was morbidly obese, incapable of almost any physical activity, and pretty much just existing, not living.  Now I was over 100 pounds lighter, running voluntarily and had committed to a race.  Many times I had to stop and catch my breath at the thought of all of that.  Week after week of training in the worst winter weather, I ran more and walked less and was eventually able to run one, then two then three miles without stopping.  The first time I did three miles I was shocked and on cloud nine.  Maybe, just maybe I could do this.  Now it’s race day and the weather was perfect and I had the most supportive group of ladies from bootcamp around me.  These ladies had so much faith in me as I trained when I didn’t have faith in myself.  I also had my daughter there which meant the world to me.  Pre-race, I had so many emotions running through me.  I got the first mile down and then the 2^nd.  I started fading halfway through the 3^rd mile.  Wendy ran by my side the entire time and under no circumstances was going to let me give up, stop or fail.  That last ½ mile was brutal and my legs felt like solid lead pipes.  I kept looking for the finish line.  I thought if it was at least in sight, I would feel like, okay, I got this, I can do this despite my legs feeling like they couldn’t go another step.  We turned a bend and I could see the finish line in the distance and it was then that it really started to hit me what I was about to accomplish.  That last ½ mile I needed every bit of encouragement and support Wendy was giving me.  We crossed the finish line together, arms raised and hand in hand.  Official time 36:32.

Running doesn’t come easy and although I’ve embraced it and am learning to love it and what it’s doing for me, I think it will always be a struggle.  But it has taught me more about determination and overcoming self-doubt than anything I’ve done or experienced.   As for my weight loss, I continue on that journey as well and it to will always be a struggle but I’m learning just how mentally strong I really am.  A year ago when I thought about all the possibilities and opportunities that could come from a reset on life, I never would have imagined where I am this moment.  I owe it all to determination…it’s been my theme this year and it’s really what got me to right here, right now.  Never underestimate the force of a determined woman!

~Regina

I grew up playing multiple team sports year round and was very athletic, but never a runner. Truth is I hated it. I remember how much I loathed the laps we had to run around the school to warm up at soccer practice. That was absolute torture!  When my friends and I would get too chatty during practice, as punishment , our coach made us run more laps. Those physical fitness tests we had to take in gym class each year…miserably failed every one every year.  Fast forward 30+ years and here I am choosing to run and actually starting to like it. How is that possible? A total attitude change, that’s how.

When I began boot camp classes last summer, I was amazed at how strong I was becoming but I just couldn’t keep up with the cardio we would do.  I dreaded the jumping jacks and the running….basically anything that required stamina because I didn’t have it. All those negative feelings about running came flooding back and shook my confidence at bit because I couldn’t keep up with everyone else in class.  On the other hand, I’ve always loved walking and do it regularly with friends and family as a way to stay active but also connect and catch up while enjoying the outdoors. Towards the end of last year I started to think about how I could turn my love for walking into at least a like of running.  I decided to set a goal to do a 5k in 2018 and at the end of January, started training. I also decided to approach it not as a form of torture but as the next step in continuing to gain strength, physically and mentally. I’ve been training regularly for almost 2 months and I can say without a doubt it has been a game changer for me. Physically I’ve become stronger and leaner. Every week as I run more and walk less, I just can’t believe how far my legs are carrying me. Knowing where I was a year ago and now I can run for over 30 minutes literally blows my mind and is by far one of the biggest accomplishments of my life…and I haven’t even done the race yet! Not to mention the countless health benefits to running so I’m doing my body good in so many ways.  Mentally it’s an escape from the stress and craziness of day to day life. I don’t listen to music so it’s quiet time to be with myself. It’s the “me time” so many of us need but unfortunately don’t get much of. Or I run with a friend and we support and encourage each other along the way. It’s setting new distance goals each week and the euphoria that comes when I smash them. And sometimes it’s as simple as lacing up my sneakers, putting on the cute new workout gear in the smaller size, feeling the sun on my face and just being happy to move.  There isn’t one negative thing about it!

I say to my daughter, Isabelle, anytime she is going into a situation she doesn’t like…everything is what you make it.  I had to approach running the same way. I hated it all those years in my youth because of my attitude towards it. I couldn’t see any good in it whatsoever.  Boy was I wrong! With a little attitude adjustment, running has become something I really enjoy with benefits to my overall health beyond measure! It truly nourishes my mind, body and soul every time I do it. I’m officially registered for a 5K and it’s now less than a month away!  I’ll be running it with members of my bootcamp tribe who have been some of my biggest supporters…especially Wendy, who pushes me hard and makes be better because of it. One run can change your day, many runs can change your life.

~Regina

 

I did it!  I’ve started a blog!  This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and now I’ve done it!  Reading and writing have always been a passion of mine and one of my dreams is to write a book.  While that goal has a permanent spot on my bucket list, I started thinking of more realistic ways to creatively write and doing a blog kept coming to mind.  The only struggle I had in deciding should I do this or not was…can I be fearless and open to share…something I don’t normally do.  Obviously the answer I finally settled on is yes, I can be!  So here I am.  I want to share about the new direction my life has taken in the last few years, the challenges of raising a teenage daughter on my own, how I’m working on being in the best mental and physical shape of my life, how fabulous your 40’s can be, awesome books I’ve read, healthy eating, fitness, plus anything and everything else that I think is worth talking about.  Sometimes you have to just jump in both feet first and that’s what I’m doing here!

~Regina